Divorce generates drama. I remember ridingthose rollercoaster moments of my own divorce and wondering, "How isthis movie going to end?" I personally love going to the movies. Myfavorites are the ones that have relationship plotlines that are rich,complex and surprising. There's the hero, the villain, the sidekick,the unrequited love. There's the trusted friend turned betrayer or theunderdog who battles back to become victorious.
To transform divorce pain into life wisdom, weneed to understand our divorce drama. One excellent resource I highlyrecommend on this subject is Debbie Ford's powerful book, SpiritualDivorce: Divorce as a Catalyst for an Extraordinary Life. The processis simple, unconscious and very powerful. Things happen in our life andwe assign meaning to these events in order to understand them. So webegin to write the scripts, or our relationship "story" is born.
Westart our screenplays often when we are very young children. Forexample, the young girl whose father travels all the time and breakshis promise to be at her ballet recital. The script and plotline of"Men don't show up for me" gets rewritten. This takes place at asubconscious level. So the lifelong casting call goes out looking formen to play that part again, and again. The plot is played out with newcharacters, or the same old characters in new ways, with you in thestarring role. All the while the 6-year-old girl in her tutu and balletslippers sits in the director's chair.
At one level our storiesprovide security and identity. Yet they become a limitation and keep usconfined to a narrow range of what's possible in our lives. Some peopleget so attached to and identified with their stories they are reluctantto let them go. By recognizing our divorce drama, we can start to writenew stories. Instead of our movie being a melodrama, we can turn itinto an adventure thriller, or a heartfelt comedy or love story. Hereare some ways to break free of your divorce drama.
1. Read the Script
Stopand identify your relationship story. Who have you cast as the villainand the victim? What have you assigned as the motivations of the maincharacters? Write out your plot synopsis in your journal so you canclearly distinguish your story. Knowing your story will help ensure itdoesn't remain your default mode of operation. Spiritual Divorce hassome excellent exercises to help you do this.
2. Take a Meeting
Takea big step back from the drama of your divorce. Realize we are allco-creators of our reality. At some spiritual level, we signed ontothis project. It is a co-production between ourselves and our formerspouses.
To harvest the wisdom of life's dramas, my mentor,Barbara De Angelis, recommends asking "If I ordered this experience,what was I thinking?" Ask your higher self what is the lesson you areintended to receive from this situation? Take the time to ask, and thestill quiet voice of your own inner wisdom will start to answer.
3. Reconsider Your Director
Whois directing your movie right now? Is it a scared little 8-year-old boyor an angry 5-year-old girl who didn't get her way? If so, it's time totake them out of the director's chair and assign a bit part instead. Tobreak free of the divorce drama, your director needs to be a grown-upwho is ready and willing to create the life you deserve to have.
4. Review Your Movie
Youcan use your divorce drama as either an excuse or an inspiration. Thenext step is to review your movie. Would you give it two thumbs up? Isit one you'd love to see over and over again? So often, people who staystuck in their stories use it as an excuse to blame others, to remain avictim, or to play small.
Does your story stir some anger in you?Great! Use it to tap into your passion and take action to break alimiting pattern, or release a situation that doesn't support you? Thebottom line is each and every day we write a new script. It can keep usmired in the past, or it can motivate us towards a new future. Thechoice is up to you.
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